[queenofnerds]

Just sitting upstairs at my computer crying cos I don't want my boyfriend to see. Don't want him to only be with me cos he pities me.

[Riv]

Queenie, I hope you're feeling better soon!

[queenofnerds]

Thank you so much Riv xxx I feel a little better today.

[ursulabear]

[Relayor]

[ursulabear]

yes. I know what i shouldn't do, but i don't understand why.
residential treatment has not been brought up, but my mom threatens to send me back all the time.

[milkisobel]

well, i didn't like the way how she attempt to save you sara. everyone have to deal with different levels of mental pb. the perception of the bad and the good is a thing you change in your life, with time, meeting, experience. there was sometimes period when you're only bounded by state guideline, then your mystical and the bible advices resonate, i remember undergo extremely violent period, i took meds, therapy, and think a lot of the philosophic points it touch, power, life, death etc...you're not a sociopath as you can have a judgement of your behaviour, just you're in that period of destruction necessarly or nor, i don't know, i have to have one, you too it seems.

[Cosmia]

Nothing massive, just a I DON'T WANT TO WORK ANYMORE cry for some providential mercy. Too much to learn, not enough intelligence to learn it, all I want to do is curl up, read Neil Gaiman, write songs and paint.

Back to coding.

[whichtitch]

,.

[doublewuzzy]

It sucks that when you're a teenager everyone keeps telling you that if you work hard, you can achieve anything. I worked really, really hard to be good at what I do, but people who don't even have college degrees get really well-paying jobs while I am still living at my parents' house... hard work does NOT pay off.

[Ceb]

You studied music, right?

Yeah, my best friend is currently studying music in university with the intention of getting a job as professor (Don't you need to go to teaching college for that?). Like you, Wuzz, he's working very hard, he's in countless ensembles but the thing is... He thinks his plan is foolproof because he "knows" people (aka he brown noses). I don't wanna see him rack up sixty thousand dollars of debt only to see him struggle... But at the same time it's not my place to tell him, I can't mother him, 'sides, he wouldn't listen anyway.

I don't know, I'm a bit wary of university. It's a wondrous facility for furthering ones knowledge but in no way does it guarantee you a job. Shame that the school system tries to shove as many kids as they can into it. I might do university later on in my life, after I establish myself in my career of choice and have enough money saved up.

Now I have En Gallop in my head.

[Cosmia]

I'm a physicist, it's pretty much a dead cert I'll get a job.

But I'm going to ignore that fact and earn 12k a year doing SCIENCE

[doublewuzzy]

This is exactly why I like En Gallop... too bad I didn't hear it when I was 17!

[Jordan~]

I haven't the faintest idea what I want to do with myself. I don't want a house, particularly, a flat will do me; I don't want a car. I don't want a family, other than a lover and a few dogs. The major expenses people work to meet don't seem to apply to me - the one really expensive thing I want is the freedom to travel, which one can do cheaply anyway. Basically, there's little motivation for me to get a good job. Financial security doesn't interest me; no form of security really does. I can't think of a job I'd want to do, either. What career gives you the kind of freedom I crave but no career at all? What do I enjoy doing, anyway?

[Ceb]

Well, taking Science in university is a pretty safe course if you're good at it. THEY usually get jobs... Although, my past crush, Gingerman, had an honors degree in Marine Botany and Ecology and he had to move two provinces over to get a job, which was on contract... And he was only making 2 more dollars an hour than me... Who is essentially a glorified burger flipper at the museum's restaurant.

I also get way more hours than him.

Good for you, Jordan! People shouldn't define themselves through their careers, but rather, what they do. People seem to get themselves in these awful cycles where they buy luxury items to help them relax, but are constantly struggling to pay for them.

Also not having kids saves you about 150 000 pounds.

So glad I found the horticulture field, I won't be making six figures by any means, but I'll spend my winters growing thousands of flowers.. It's heaven.

[Cosmia]

Physicists are usually snapped up by companies, purely because they're taught to think logically and can do maths. I'm not interested in being a banker, or an actuary, or a teacher, or an accountant, I just want to do something that I can see having an impact on our lives. Specifically, I want to work on nanomaterials and use them to make an economically viable, compact hydrogen fuel cell. I foresee a world without power lines.

If this doesn't happen, I'm learning to play harp and forming a JN cover band. And selling cakes. Or painting pictures. I don't care, my boyfriend's a junior web developer for the best digital media company in the area at 19, he'll rake it in

(last paragraph not entirely serious)

[doublewuzzy]

I made an impact from what I studied (see: JNTP) but it's not going to pay the bills... doing what you love doesn't mean you're going to be happy. People always say that money can't buy happiness, but it can certainly take away a lot of stress/worry so you can AFFORD to do what makes you happy.

[Becca]

Oh man, doublewuzzy, do I ever know how you feel. I'm sure that does nothing to make you feel better, but I often worry that majoring in music was one of my dumbest decisions! But at least you have the JNTP! And have made this lot very happy. I don't think I've done a single thing that's made a difference to anyone. (cue violin strings).
I just wish I could a)make money doing music, or b)find something else I can stand that would pay the bills without chipping away at my soul and sucking it dry until I'm a shriveled, bitter misanthrope without even the will or desire to create music on the side anymore.

Anyway...I have a fairly minor whine in comparison to some of the real shit that's been sucking in my life. But I don't feel like talking about serious things, so I am just going to have cryabeetus over something dumb: I have such post-show depression after seeing Joanna 3 times this tour! It's often a bummer after one show, but I've noticed whenever I see bands several times, I get into that zone for a few days where my life becomes all about that. And it's a damn shame going back to real life after that. It makes work seem even more painful and monotonous than usual. "I could be seeing Joanna now instead of doing this menial shit." Ugh.
I have just been in a foul-ass mood at least since the beginning of this month. And at first I didn't even know why. Maybe I have seasonal affective disorder or whatever. I do find myself feeling sad when it gets dark so early. But I don't even mean just sad; I've been downright angry and even more irritable than usual. And then bad stuff started happening, so then my foul mood was a bit more founded, and even seeing Sufjan Stevens recently for the first time ever (after wanting to for what? 5, 6 years?) didn't bring me out of this funk. But last week, seeing Joanna play 3 shows, was the first time this month I've actually been happy. Now that it's over I'm not sure what to do with myself.
Scratch that. I can think of plenty to do. I just don't want to. I just want to wallow and obsess for a while.

[Ceb]

I think you guys should all grow flowers with me.

35-40 grand a year growing flowers is a good deal!

[Becca]

Ugh. I'm at work right now, bored out of my mind. I work in an auditorium on campus for one of my jobs and it's cool because the building is really old and beautiful with a giant pipe organ, and I barely have to do anything. So I can be on facebook and here and watch youtube all night. But I get super creeped out locking up at night by myself. There are like 504986309 doors to lock and I just start thinking about how while I'm locking one door, some creeper could come in another one and be hiding backstage or in one of the vestibules or whatever. So usually I try to start the locking up process while people are still here. But tonight some asshat violinist is here having what I thought was a rehearsal. But they asked for the HVAC to be turned off (because it's old and loud) and I was like WTF? Diva much? For just a rehearsal? Because the organ pipes are tuned to 71 degrees, so we have to keep it frigid in there and usually just turn the HVAC off for concerts. Anyway. Turns out they're recording in there, so I don't wanna go around locking doors because the doors are old and hard to lock and unlock (it is such a long process, that I have time to sing "it is not a question of locking or unlocking" about 62 times while I do it)...anyways. If I don't post again tomorrow, it means I was killed by someone hiding in the stairwell outside the stage door....or in the upstairs balcony...or I'll just get crushed in the doorway to the HVAC when I turn it back on and it creates a wind tunnel.

This is why I shouldn't watch horror movies.